I Just Wanna…. Stop!

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Well. It is even worse. Limited communicado. Or hardly any since that awkward night.

Not awkward for me anyway, I think it was for him. But who CARES.  I mean WHO REALLY CARES. What do they say about pizza and that stuff.. It can’t be all that bad. Again, I am assuming this because well… I have not said how I feel. EVER to him.

We don’t even text that much anymore….”It’s so funny, that we don’t teeeeeext anymore, ” as [Sir] Cliff Richard would “say ” (Isn’t he a “sir?” Feh. It doesn’t matter) Anyway, I am still pretty crazy for Mr. So & So.

I will gladly gladly take the texts he throws my way, Yes I am stupid I care that much. But affection and stupidity go hand in hand as Connie Francis would say…. I mean we chat and what not but I feel * and I mean this sincerely * that he does not really need me anymore. I know he had a lot of healing to do, and I am glad he is getting on the other side of that shit, but it does not change the fact that….

I… just wanna STOP and tell ya how I feel about cha’babe.. I just wanna STOP…the world aint right without ya babe, I just wanna STOP… fo’ your loveeee.

So I have been writing this blog for three days because of chronic interruption. And it is hard to get my feelings across the way I want them to. I have been waking in the morning really feeling emotional, it has been rough — biting my tounge till it bleeds not to say a word about how i feel. I mean it isnt some thing like ” it got physical and now I feel some attachment…” not at all. I felt this way — way before and I don’t feel it going away anytime soon. What is it, I mean can you treat these kinds of feelings like some kind of disorder that just sticks around. I am trying to think of it that way. I have been having some ROUGH mornings, but songs like this wont help… ( Don’t mind me and my love for  Frankie Valli and the 4 Seasons )

But ugh, it gives me the feels because Mr So and So is SOOOOOO not avaliable and that is one the key elements in me not wanting to get tooooo close but I can’t stay away at the same time, It makes it so hard. I want to ask him so any times to come over, to have dinner to just… I don’t know… I just dont know.

I think I have landed in the friendzone for good.

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Last Post for the “Well, Fucks”

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Well all is well that ends well. It has been a long day today. Long. Long days since it  has been so incredibly slow at work. Things have been so weird. I mean the universe must be laffing its ass off at life here around these parts.

I am still sorting the vinyl. Literally SORTING not even started catagorizing them within their genre. It has been my saving grace, Vinyl. I ordered a few new DooWop 45’s one is the Jive Five, ” My True Story,” and ” What Time is It” … ( see the video below with both songs) which are such a great songs.

 

It seems like the only things I can get behind lately, I guess because the blues is just too sad, and DooWop the music echos in your head and lingers in your heart. Seems more healing…I guess. I don’t know. I will just keep typing and sorting vinyl until I am disracted enough to feel better. With work so slow, I have WAY too much time to think. When I was at the other shop, it was so slammed, I just had so much to do, now I don’t know what to do with myself.

Anyway, dare not go into anything from the previous Well, Fucks posts, I think that it is and should be game over. I think that I need to just…. keep Vinyl-ing and listening to DooWop and writing and reading…working and..well, Rockin with the universe and whatever it has in store for me!

 

 

Well, Fuck Pt.3

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“Hello I Must Be Going,”  a relateable theme, and film  in my life.

What a fucking week. What a weekend! I threw my back out, breathing.

You know, just being middle-aged you throw your back out for no reason at all. So I have been keeping busy and keeping a distance, which has been really rough because, “so and so,” has had a rough weekend too… you know I want to be there and make sure all is copasetic and all that… but I gotta be okay too.

So, I shelp my teenage son with me to go crate-digging in the buck-bins at a nearby record store, and I anticipated I would be sneezing and coughing from dust, the remainder of the weekend (which I have,) but it was worth it with all the scores I found on vinyl, wow. But that is for an entirely other blog.

I have kept my distance, yet so has he — I am sure for his own reasons ( work, life, hangovers, stuff) but for me, for now, he knows nothing.

Like NOTHING.

I have concluded that I wish him love and happiness, and I know he will be ok through all he has been going through the past almost 9 months we have been talking and texting. Meanwhile, well I accidentally  fell in, well I.. just stumbled into really caring about him . so very, very much…I just have no words.

Lyrics- yes, many many lyrics. But words. Very different.

So ….yeah I have been trying to keep very….. very busy. I still have all the records out and divided up from what, 3 weeks ago when we were spinning wax on late winter’s night.

So I thought I will keep them out and divide them  up into genre. So I came up with these: ( I have to go into this shit, as I must stay distracted… I can’t just think about how things  would possibly all blow up in my face, or won’t work out…or just what a great person he is…when he meets someone he really does want to date… I gotta just stay busy- so here I am, over here watch me staying busy!) That reminds me of a Jerky Boys call, with Jack Tors. ” Watch Me Spin, Watch Me go!”

I  digress….Records..OK!- Genres include- 40’s – 50’s – then 60’s ( singer-songwriters/ bands), 70’s ( Sub: Singer-Songwriters/ Bands) 80’s ( Sub: pop/rock/punk), Comedy, Spoken Word ( for all my McKuen), Novelty and Compilations. There it is–and in the midst…of it all yeah my back goes out and I am not stepping around thousands of records half divided up into piles around my floor. I mean this is a good thing, I think it almost is a blessing in disguise, I say this because It gives me something to do- and…

Dammit he’s texing.

Of course I answer in two seconds because I am nuts for the fucker. Me eating cream cheese out of a container some some stupid mini spoon( bless the Ketogenic lifestyle) and writing this saving grace blog.

Hi Hi.. he writes.

Hey Hey Hey, I respond.

*Crickets*

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No, I did not eat this entire container. But my heart won’t let my stomach, stomach much else but gin martinis with large olives ( too many carbs!) and well, this cream cheese. Adulting at it’s finest.

Ok then; SO… the records are left so it will give me something to focus on and plan to do after work this week. I am back to the long commute tomorrow. I don’t mind it so much, as it gives me time to cry in the car,  listen to music and get centered before work, honestly, I have a lot going on in my life besides this, and a lot more shit to deal with so, trust me — I am not all weeping-willowy over this shit, i just hear a song sometimes, alot of the time that reminds me of him. I could finish this playlist that I started from Well Fuck Part 1. But.. Hm.

So I am taking a Facebook break. Yeah… It’s like going to the social media mikvah.

That was damn funny. Social Media Mikvah. HA!  I just thought of that…!

So, yeah ( and he still hasnt responded back, so I write and continue…) I took the FB break and start my commute– I am supposed to go see George Thoroughgood next Saturday, which should be fun, but the company will be rough since my mind will be elsewhere.

I know, I know, I should just go and enjoy- but the way I am feeling it isn’t so easy… and he tells me that he is just ” a mess ” I feel awful and want to help in the mean time I can’t go telling him how I feel. No way, never. It is like in the movie “Love Actually,” when  the guy from The Walking Dead visits Kiera Knightley and after which he says “Enough…” I can’t do it to me, or him…. and if he knew I would be mortified. COMPLETELY.

But, then again… you never know. It would be healthy for him to move on. But no matter how great a person, I may think I would be for him, If he aint ready- well,  “A Twat is a twat and that is that” as George Carlin would say.

But I am having an interesting conversation about my simplistic, even mimimlistic responses in a text messages by a pseudo-suitor, or at least wants to be and they are expressing  how ” I don’t let people get to know me.”

Well shit, my brain is kinda occupied at the moment… but they did say “how is a common layperson supposed to get to know you, as you are quite an uncommon creature” Which I, personally, thought was flattering. But the way I a feeling, flattery will get no one anywhere…

These entries are so goddammed scattered which is so far from who I have become in the past six years.

Me: Funny, but  a ittle stoic in the workplace, results and action driven, goal-oriented, OVERLY organized at work, and pretty much at home ( except for my record collection and hair products) other than that- I am pretty simplistic and naturally a happy person.

So this other text is going on and, stil; crickets from ” so and so.”.. so I have emersed myself into a text convo bout Sacco and Vanetti and modern-day, anti-authoritarian concepts and modern day Anarchy and the crossover on todays “trend,” of Minimalism.That morphed into a conversation about Radiohead’s “OK Computer,” vs ” KID A.” Sigh. Talk about “let down and hanging around – crushed like a bug on the ground.”

Really? When I wish Sir So and So , would just come over and kiss me hard ( Kiss me Hard, Crybaby Kiss Me Hard!) and stare into my eyes with his awesome eyes and just lay here and watch TV, and just be. I mean every time he talks to me or smiles at me, I just…am so screwed arent I? I am screwed.

I gotta go to bed,  I thought this post would have some form of resolve of.. ” I am done and moving on.” You heart really does do the choosing.

My stomach hurts from the cream cheese. I am getting  diet coke and going to bed.

Song Pairing: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HdhikXRlWB4

Movie Scene Paring  ( the “Enough” Scene ) : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B7u6bMBlCXw

Good Night. zzzzz.