What a fucking week. What a weekend! I threw my back out, breathing.
You know, just being middle-aged you throw your back out for no reason at all. So I have been keeping busy and keeping a distance, which has been really rough because, “so and so,” has had a rough weekend too… you know I want to be there and make sure all is copasetic and all that… but I gotta be okay too.
So, I shelp my teenage son with me to go crate-digging in the buck-bins at a nearby record store, and I anticipated I would be sneezing and coughing from dust, the remainder of the weekend (which I have,) but it was worth it with all the scores I found on vinyl, wow. But that is for an entirely other blog.
I have kept my distance, yet so has he — I am sure for his own reasons ( work, life, hangovers, stuff) but for me, for now, he knows nothing.
I have concluded that I wish him love and happiness, and I know he will be ok through all he has been going through the past almost 9 months we have been talking and texting. Meanwhile, well I accidentally fell in, well I.. just stumbled into really caring about him . so very, very much…I just have no words.
Lyrics- yes, many many lyrics. But words. Very different.
So ….yeah I have been trying to keep very….. very busy. I still have all the records out and divided up from what, 3 weeks ago when we were spinning wax on late winter’s night.
So I thought I will keep them out and divide them up into genre. So I came up with these: ( I have to go into this shit, as I must stay distracted… I can’t just think about how things would possibly all blow up in my face, or won’t work out…or just what a great person he is…when he meets someone he really does want to date… I gotta just stay busy- so here I am, over here watch me staying busy!) That reminds me of a Jerky Boys call, with Jack Tors. ” Watch Me Spin, Watch Me go!”
I digress….Records..OK!- Genres include- 40’s – 50’s – then 60’s ( singer-songwriters/ bands), 70’s ( Sub: Singer-Songwriters/ Bands) 80’s ( Sub: pop/rock/punk), Comedy, Spoken Word ( for all my McKuen), Novelty and Compilations. There it is–and in the midst…of it all yeah my back goes out and I am not stepping around thousands of records half divided up into piles around my floor. I mean this is a good thing, I think it almost is a blessing in disguise, I say this because It gives me something to do- and…
Dammit he’s texing.
Of course I answer in two seconds because I am nuts for the fucker. Me eating cream cheese out of a container some some stupid mini spoon( bless the Ketogenic lifestyle) and writing this saving grace blog.
Hi Hi.. he writes.
Hey Hey Hey, I respond.
Ok then; SO… the records are left so it will give me something to focus on and plan to do after work this week. I am back to the long commute tomorrow. I don’t mind it so much, as it gives me time to
cry in the car, listen to music and get centered before work, honestly, I have a lot going on in my life besides this, and a lot more shit to deal with so, trust me — I am not all weeping-willowy over this shit, i just hear a song sometimes, alot of the time that reminds me of him. I could finish this playlist that I started from Well Fuck Part 1. But.. Hm.
So I am taking a Facebook break. Yeah… It’s like going to the social media mikvah.
That was damn funny. Social Media Mikvah. HA! I just thought of that…!
So, yeah ( and he still hasnt responded back, so I write and continue…) I took the FB break and start my commute– I am supposed to go see George Thoroughgood next Saturday, which should be fun, but the company will be rough since my mind will be elsewhere.
I know, I know, I should just go and enjoy- but the way I am feeling it isn’t so easy… and he tells me that he is just ” a mess ” I feel awful and want to help in the mean time I can’t go telling him how I feel. No way, never. It is like in the movie “Love Actually,” when the guy from The Walking Dead visits Kiera Knightley and after which he says “Enough…” I can’t do it to me, or him…. and if he knew I would be mortified. COMPLETELY.
But, then again… you never know. It would be healthy for him to move on. But no matter how great a person, I may think I would be for him, If he aint ready- well, “A Twat is a twat and that is that” as George Carlin would say.
But I am having an interesting conversation about my simplistic, even mimimlistic responses in a text messages by a pseudo-suitor, or at least wants to be and they are expressing how ” I don’t let people get to know me.”
Well shit, my brain is kinda occupied at the moment… but they did say “how is a common layperson supposed to get to know you, as you are quite an uncommon creature” Which I, personally, thought was flattering. But the way I a feeling, flattery will get no one anywhere…
These entries are so goddammed scattered which is so far from who I have become in the past six years.
Me: Funny, but a ittle stoic in the workplace, results and action driven, goal-oriented, OVERLY organized at work, and pretty much at home ( except for my record collection and hair products) other than that- I am pretty simplistic and naturally a happy person.
So this other text is going on and, stil; crickets from ” so and so.”.. so I have emersed myself into a text convo bout Sacco and Vanetti and modern-day, anti-authoritarian concepts and modern day Anarchy and the crossover on todays “trend,” of Minimalism.That morphed into a conversation about Radiohead’s “OK Computer,” vs ” KID A.” Sigh. Talk about “let down and hanging around – crushed like a bug on the ground.”
Really? When I wish Sir So and So , would just come over and kiss me hard ( Kiss me Hard, Crybaby Kiss Me Hard!) and stare into my eyes with his awesome eyes and just lay here and watch TV, and just be. I mean every time he talks to me or smiles at me, I just…am so screwed arent I? I am screwed.
I gotta go to bed, I thought this post would have some form of resolve of.. ” I am done and moving on.” You heart really does do the choosing.
My stomach hurts from the cream cheese. I am getting diet coke and going to bed.
Song Pairing: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HdhikXRlWB4
Movie Scene Paring ( the “Enough” Scene ) : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B7u6bMBlCXw
Good Night. zzzzz.