Now that I’m home and had some time to put this into some reasonable sense, I don’t even know if I should keep up part one. But I am a smartcookie, and I don’t want to write like someone is looking over my shoulder. The chances anyone is reading this is close to zero. If you are then comment below, ::Crickets::
I mean the whole “thing,” whatever “this,” is. Is it words or feelings? I have the feels yeah, but hey, I can’t be apologetic about it. It is what it is, I feel like I have broken some unspoken rules of friendship. I mean have I? I am usually the one who is aloof and very together, logical.. but Well, Fuck, I love how I feel about MYSELF just being around him.
I really love being around him, he has a good soul. I like listening to him talk… I like watching his mouth move when he talks…I like seeing him smile and look at me like I am crazy when I laugh at myself uncontrollably. I feel like an idiot around him, kind of giddy and I can’t remember half the things I am saying because I am stating at him and my heart is pounding out of my chest so hard. I have never had these kind of reactions with someone before. EVER. I mean this shit started happening, so much that I went to the fucking doctor! Nothing. Everytime he would text… Boom Boom Boom… my heart would pound. I chocked it up to… whatever. Then I started noticing a real connection.
It was similar to a panic attack, but more of excitement. So I ask my Dr, who knows me really well… he knows I am not a rash or that I do not do things impusively or obsessively. I am a pretty damn straight-forward thinking woman, with a good head on her shoulders. I have my moments but far from the strange and stalkery women I have known in my past. Holy crap. I have always steered clear of those kinds of people and found them quite intrustive in my life and lives of others.
But even with formers, I did not find myself with these physical symptoms of attraction… so Doc asked if I had the following:
*shortness of breath
*loss of sleep
Yes, yes, yes, yes, and yes. He asked if anyone was on my mind…Oh COME ON! Seriously.He took pity on me and gave me a few 10mg of valium, and sent me on my way. So, with all this logic and straight forward thinking. Still the heart does it’s own thing. I am trying to shake it off like a cold or something but alas it doesn’t work like that.
Whenever I am near him, I swear to god, its like I can’t help it, I am so weirded out by this… it is out of my in-control charachter. Most of my side of conversations with him in person go something like THIS . He is amazing company…and great to be around. I miss him when he’s not around. Normal shit, right?
But, I do my thing, I do not go out of my way to see him, or contact him.I act so stupid, I think when I am around him. If I smoke around him I am more relaxed but not less nervous. Argh. Such as life. I guess I am wondering what he is thinking. I dare not ask and don’t want to know. I just don’t. I’d rather err on the side of, I don’t know.
I made him a playlist, it was a total 80 songs long. Like some Time-Life collection. Who rips 80 SONGS for a playlist…!
Who Am I?
Movie Pairng: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EbHxNLzmNkA
Music Pairing: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Pv_IZoQDbI