Well, Fuck.

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It’s been over 2 years since I really had something to say. I guess you could say I needed to hibernate and get grounded again. Since the accident, since the divorce, since a lot of shit.. since since since.

You would think that an educated, intelligent, Mensa going gal like myself would not be lead by my heart like it is. But sadly, as you can see from my other blog entries… my brain, is sadly, made of celluloid. A female Walter Mitty ( not the new one, the old one… Virginia Mayo, Danny Kaye…

a-pocketa, ta-pocketa.

Ingrained in my brain are movie scenes, song lyrics and daydreams that never, really, come to pass. Rethinking, is it engrained? … or ingrained? It’s been a minute since I really wrote anything — sad, as I promised myself a few years ago I would keep writing everyday like I was doing back then. Long reads, long writes… now I just lay in bed and listen to DooWop and smoke weed and I havent has a carb since October. I have been throwing everything away I can get my hands on in my house and embracing full minimalism by Summer, hopefully.

I am already balls deep into paring down on STUFF. I think that is why I am thinking so much lately, I have the energy and time to do so. To be clear… to, be clear. Clarity is everything, rash motives and actions are a think of the past for me.

Moves are carefully constructed, non-sponetaneous, to a point.  Till something grabbed me by the heart and threw me to to groud.

WHAT. THE. FUCK. WAS. THAT

I am not that person. I left her behind so long ago. I am that other person.

The one I am now. The friend, the one who keeps a distance from any  engtanglements or situa…. I am not answering that text, I have answered them for 8 months, I didnt feel like this the whole time mind you, It just kinda happened. Dammit, I answered the text, I can’t help it I swear.

Want to know what it was like? It fucking happened pretty much just Like THIS!

Then the logical part of me is more Like this— I kept tucking it away for a good few months, It was absolutely not like this to start, not that the potential wasn’t but I wasn’t in a place and this person was far from it too– so as I say  ” it is just nice to be nomiated.” thus meaning that it was nice to have a friend who I had something in common with to just… be a friend.

Well, Fuck. That seemed like it all went to hell one night a while back when texting songs back and forth, got, well- interesting, Not even sexy interesting just the song types started changing and so the playlist plots thickened.

Id love to post some snaps from said texts but I can’t even bring myself to go back and read them like I used to. I just can’t. I have had my head in my hands for about 10 minutes between paragraphs here… and doing a little pacing.

I do my best to just work and go home, live my life. But after certain things arose, well it was Frankie Valli’s fault.

After the concert, I treated myself to see Frankie Valli crooning some of my favorite songs. I was so excited I rushed over afterward, to show off my blurry pics and far-away videos partial songs. Regardless, I was on cloud nine. He got out of work and we sat in my car, like some Dan Fogelberg song….

It was  just a perfect storm. The cold, the rain, the 50’s tunes on the radio… Sinatra..me and he.

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we  kept each other’s secrets. this is one I can’t tell him.

WHY, WHY! I know so much better, I am the older wiser one but the heart wants what the heart wants., But I know — or at least think I know, it will never be so I have to let it go.

Do you know how hard that is? Do you even know how hard that is.I feel like I can’t breathe. Dammit, I swear on everything holy, he is every good line from every movie and every original lyric from the songs I love. He’s perfect. And it breaks my heart hearing how his ex treats him like trash when to me, he is such a treasure, I would treat him like a King, he he deserves. Damn.

Its kinda like this. Alot like this. Kinda.

My guts are turning over and over just being friends, but if he knew how I felt, it would ruin a good thing. A great friendship. It would ruin the THIS and THAT. But ‘this,’ and ‘that,’ is good for TV not so great in real life. Eh. I don’t know. Maybe it is, maybe it is not.

My heart may just forever be sad and blue. Life’s timing. One part of me says “let it be,” the other says, if I don’t say something I may never know. Saying something is a big fucking matzoh ball to put out there.

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A risk in ruining what I don’t have in the first place. But I need to just pull up my big girl panties and realize that I need to work as many hours as I can and stay away from him no matter how hard it is.

We would make such a killer couple. Ah.. well. I honestly don’t think he would ever see me like that. So I stay quiet and keep on keeping on… like the old adage, “Love is Friendship on Fire.” Whew, and it is hot in here.

Anyway….

For now, maybe for always…my heart will love him from far, far away and a playlist will have to do:

Secretly- Jimmy Rodgers

These Arms of Mine – Otis Redding

I Could Write A Book- Frank Sinatra

Mr Blue- The Fleetwoods

Brown Eyed Handsome Man — Buddy Holly

Help Me – Joni Michell

Who Loves Your Pretty Baby– Frankie Valli

Oh What a Night– Four Season

and… then

Bye, Bye Baby…The Four Seasons

Since I Don’t Have You-The Skyliners

I am feeling so shitty, I can’t even finish the fucking playlist…maybe later.

Well, Fuck.

 

 

… and by the bizzare chance you’re reading this. Well, Fuck. there is it. LOL

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